Back again in Melbourne, and actually, quite glad to be home. I miss my baby bolster, pillow and mattresses. I miss the humdrum days of walking around looking quite unglamourous in my room (not like I look better anyway, but you get the point). And I think ‘home’ is simply where I am comfortable living in, solely by my definition of course. My parents and the Singapore Gahment will tell me something quite differently.

It’s random, but I realise I have moved 4 times overseas – 2 times in the UK, 1 time in Perth, and 1 time in Melbourne. If plans do go ahead, it’ll be 2 times for the latter when my housemate & I vacate the apartment for a cheaper residence. I’ve gotten quite used to living minimally, and packing up is quite a familiar task for me. I suppose many will say it creates a sense of disconnectedness, because you don’t seem to grow roots long enough. I concur, and I don’t see why I should deny it.

The trip to Perth was great, and maybe timely. I fell very sick, right at the eve of departure. Needless to say, I think on hindsight, everything had seemed like a blur. I was too busy concentrating on fending the fever away, or trying to sound coherrent with an inflammed throat. But it was still a break, a complete cut-off from the sights & sounds of Melbourne, from work, from Melburnian contacts, from the short budding life I was building in the Eastern side, and returning to the familiar Western Australian background. I knew faces, places, streets, sights & sounds upon touchdown. Pretty amazing to note that nothing changed, coming from a Singaporean context where everything morphes, literally every minute.

Familiarity is sometimes comforting. I’d experienced far too many changes recently, and perhaps I failed to notice that I needed a familiar trigger to put me at ease. It was great to see Fremantle, lovely to meet up and chat with peeps without much awkwardness, feeling a sense of accomplishment when receiving my certificate from the Chancellor on-stage. During a stretch, I even had a moment of truth on why my cousins actually valued history!

The longer I’m away from Singapore, the more distant I’m starting to feel emotionally towards it. It’s not the family and friends I’m referring to, it’s simply the country and what it stands for. I wear my Singaporean badge quite happily, because I really like being a Singaporean. We bash Singapore up for the usual reasons, but beneath it all, I don’t hate it. Still, it’s starting to feel emptier.

I continue to walk hand-in-hand with God. Or rather, I try very hard to do that. Mostly, He’s always waiting for me, because I get distracted by the many sparkling temptations on the display windows along the path called My Life. Sometimes, I miss the whole picture, or I lament at a lost opportunity. I went to Perth wondering why I was feeling so sick, but I came back to Melbourne feeling loved, pampered, remembered, accomplished and strengthened. The sickness was physically draining, but the boost in my spiritual and mental psyches were immeasurable. I wasn’t necessarily ‘drowning’ prior to the trip. Life was alright, I didn’t stray nor question nor become tired of God. But He saw fit to give me that extra lift, and I really appreciate that.

Most people jokingly commented that my next phase in life was to find a partner. Within that casual demeanour laid true intentions which were not hidden with much effort. Even I must admit, it seems like the most natural thing to do. People who remain single have always been deemed incomplete. No matter the amount of books, seminars and the most passionate speeches on singleness which have been churned and piled upon us, it is still a characteristic of the human psyche to view singleness as insufficient. No point denying it, it lies within each and everyone of us.

I can only embrace singlehood, I can’t say I embrace couplehood. I cannot profess I accept something which I know nothing of, and have never tasted of. I am not against the concept, nor am I actively refusing the possibility. But like most other singles whom I have the privilege of knowing in Melbourne, we have left our so-called ‘destinies’ into the hands of Our Creator. Dare I say, I don’t sit around on my bum hoping a potential will come knocking on my door (although who is to say God can’t arrange that?)

I merely put my life arrangements into His Hands and I go about my usual business. Am I discontented, dissatisfied, feeling abandoned or lonely? Of course. I am never really contented with my life. I wish I can be more organised, I wish I have more money… I wish I wish I wish. The desires and wants are always greater than the needs. And who is to say you won’t feel lonely even with a spouse and kids? Loneliness is not solely the affliction for the single person, it actually discriminates no one. Only God can truly saturate us, and I want to start by having a healthy, fulfilling, & sufficient relationship with God. It is work in progress, and I continue to petition to Him everything that comes to my mind. And if things can happen in His will and He wishes to consider some of my desires, then they will come to pass. Remember, He loves us all, and why try to think your plans will benefit yourself when He is all-knowing? This is not an excuse for passivitiy, but this makes me even more excited to know God intimately, so that I know what He’s thinking of, and slowly, His wishes and desires will also become mine. If you think individuality becomes gobbled up, it doesn’t. In fact, it’s amplified. He already made me different from the rest, and He has plans uniquely for me. He only wants to prosper me, to use my talents and stretch my potential.

Individuality in God’s realm is the testament to His intelligent design.

Whether I remain single or not single, I neither fret nor doubt nor strive unnecessarily. If this is deemed as laziness, well then, let it be so.